Monday, March 07, 2005
Afloat on a Sea of Confusion
dream a little dream
I enjoy spending time with my friends; very much. I like the time we spend talking, relaxing, joking around.
Now.... I realize that not everyone is in the same phase of their lives. I am happily married, work on maintaining and enjoying my first home, try to consistently teach in an interesting and constructive manner, will someday try to start a family, and am doing my best to become a professional illustrator; a life's dream. Many of my friends share some of these qualities. What I've realized in the last couple of weeks, is that the quality that separates me from my friends is the last one. I am pursuing a dream.
I'm not trying to look down my nose at any of my friends, by any means. Without these people, life would be much harder- and definitely more boring. I also know that several of them are working at achieving life goals. What I'm trying to say is that while I'm trying to pursue my dream, I have a hard time connecting to anyone else. I can't exactly chat up a friend about what I'm trying to do: give up a stable, consistent paycheck; a defined occupation with specific expectations and goals in order to become something that is more fluid, more creative, and infinitely more satisyfing and soul pleasing. (I'm positive that's a run-on sentence.) It's also awkard to ask from feedback on your craft from friends. You never know whether or not they're being polite, or if they actually enjoy your work.
Also, I shut myself off from others, because I can channel my creativity more readily. (If you haven't taken a Briggs-Meyers, Jung Typology or Keirsey temperment test, by all means, do. I am an INFJ. Basically, I'm an introvert who is extremely interested in people. In fact, I am so interested, that I can sometimes drain myself dry, because I also happen to be a big "feelings" person.) What I mean to say is, because of the way I work and because of the abstract nature of what I'm working towards, I feel a little isolated.
I know what I need to do is attend support/critique groups. I am actually a new member of SCBWI, and I know of their meetings and events. I just need to step up and actually attend! I feel so intimidated right now, so unsure. Doing the actual art and accomplishing concrete goals, (promotional postcards, joining SCBWI, building a portfolio) I can do with no problem. It's that step of opening myself up to other people that I'm very afraid to take. (Thank goodness I have my husband, he's being extremely supportive, not to mention encouraging.) I think I'm going to have to take the plunge this week. I have to know that there are others out there who are thinking the same thing I am. (crossing fingers) Here's to hopin'....
Posted by Diandra Mae at 12:04 PM